I know this is only temporary, but frankly, I’m struggling with finding my groove and a new rhythm in this transition. I fiercely miss the comforts of home.
We’ve gotten more used to life in a big family home now, but I find myself getting more easily burnt out trying to put out toddler fires and find new activities to keep everyone busy and helpful around the house.
My personality thrives on schedules and routine, and it seems that our natural one from home is now thrown to the wind. For myself, I’ve tried to maintain a regular routine of Magnificat and coffee mornings and a rigorous walk to podcasts, but afterwards it’s a toss up of whatever my weaning toddler will enjoy.
Finding new eating schedules, foods, and play activities are a challenge. I feel less “busy” as I’m not currently working part time, yet my days feel more occupied. Instead of balancing my work schedule, home-making, James’ schedule, and our toddler’s naps, I’m left just filling directionless days by trying to give us a semblance of normal. By 7:30 pm, I’m checked out and struggle through our bedtime routine. Hopes for time with James or any adult interactions to recharge post bedtime are pretty much nil.
I wish this could be more of a “7 Ways to Structure Your Unstructured Day” helpful bullet-point post, but I’m the one who should be searching out those blogs. This is probably a good test for my character (again), as I usually pride myself on my ability to problem solve and find alternate solutions.
Rather, this is a pep talk to myself and anyone who’s struggling with new schedules, new places, and changes.
I guess I’m here to say, that turning your life around and starting from scratch is tough and tiring, and there’s no shame in admitting to this new kind of exhaustion.
In the spirit of vulnerability, it’s often a challenge for me to share when I’m struggling or when I’m feeling a bit lost. However, it’s been nearly two months since we left home (Texas will probably be home to me for the next couple of years; no offense, New Hampshire), and I’m definitely feeling the loss.
Living the family life and picking up to pursue James’ graduate school is something we’ve been dreaming about for years. I still feel convicted in our mission, but I’m finding my own way a bit more slowly; and that’s okay.
In a way, it reminds me of all our new transitions from the past (like college, graduation, marriage, having a new baby), but this time the stakes feel higher. I’m putting pressure on myself to be all things to my family as we adjust, when I need a bit more time to cope and to place my trust more firmly in Christ’s hands.
Have you ever heard of over-functioning? It’s a chronic disease – always leads to burn out – highly contagious if you’re naturally prone to worrying, perfectionism, and controlling tendencies. A lot of moms suffer from over-functioning, which I know comes from a deeper wound of struggling with faith and trust that God redeems all things in His time with or without our help.
The greatest lesson I never stop learning is that God gives us grace in the measure of which it is needed.
Each big change has been a huge post-it note in my story of when my faith was tested and consequently grew. In addition to being a lesson in adaptability and trust, this move is teaching me the importance of vulnerability and patience with myself. Instead of envisioning these days of transition as lacking direction and pure survival mode, I need to remind myself that each one is intentionally oriented towards making this new life home to our little family. I’m trying to remember that it’s okay to gently grieve the aspects of our old life while I find the blessings of our new. We are meant to be here, as Christ has made abundantly clear time and time again. Coping takes time and patience takes practice.
So, in a sort of conclusion, I’m challenging myself to be more patient this week when James begins working and we are faced with the long days of living life as it will be for the foreseeable future. I’m going to try and remain prayerful and hopeful that our difficult days won’t last forever; and someday soon everything will feel like home again. I'm going to keep my morning routines, and whatever comes afterwards is fully in God's hands.
If you find yourself in a similar place, I’d love to hear your story. One of the missions of this little blog space has been to meet other couples on our similar journey, whatever that looks like for you. Please, feel free to share with friends who need a measure of encouragement as they face changes or pursue family dreams in the light of faith.
Until next time, loves.
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