Surprise! We are having a beautiful baby BOY this December. We are very excited, and still a bit shocked!
Some day, I'll write specifically about how this pregnancy with L is going, probably as the holidays draw near, and I get to be pregnant along side Mama Mary. However, in the meantime, I've been preparing for labor by consuming birth stories, talking with other mamas, and doing my research for this upcoming marathon. In light of this, I've had a lot of thoughts concerning my daughter's birth, both the wounds and the truly beautiful moments from that experience. So in light of the subject of birth being very present in my mind, this is a little throwback post to E's birth story. I hope you enjoy!
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My pregnancy with E after the first 17 weeks of nausea was FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. I loved being pregnant; the baby was healthy, I was healthy, and I loved my baby bump. I prepared for labor with a lot of research on unmedicated birth, and I felt strongly that I wanted to do it without an epidural. However, I was willing to see where our story took us and act as needed.
My prenatal appointment at 39 plus 6 was going to be a routine NST round, cervical check, and talk about potentially scheduling induction. I had really hoped and prayed we wouldn’t make it to that appointment, as induction had been one of my greater fears regarding birth: mainly pitocin induction.
8:45 am- I arrive at the appointment, and got comfy on the monitor. My OB was finishing up a surgery at the hospital across the street and would come for my cervical check after the NST. The nurse strapped us on the monitor; it took a couple tries, because my crazy baby kept moving across my belly. Healthy baby, right? Even the nurse laughed and commented on her activity. A few minutes on the monitor, and I heard her little heart beat slow down, then the monitor alarm went off. I had to wait for the nurse to come in to the sound of the alarm, and I tried to think nothing of it. The nurse came in, looked at the readings with a bit of concern and said we would try some food/cold water to get the baby reactive again. At this point, I texted James that she was having some irregularity...probably nothing to worry about. I was optimistic through the snack, water, and repositioning, until I noticed that the nurse had not left my side and kept watching the monitor, making small talk.
“Maybe it’s time for the baby to come today”… “I think I’ll just text the doctor to come over sooner”.
Upon the Doctor’s arrival, he took one look at the monitor readings and calmly, but firmly. told me that we needed this baby out today. Definitely an immediate induction, quite possibly a Csection – E's recorded decels were the worst he had seen in awhile. Without a hospital bag, my prayer intention list, my headphones for my labor tracks, or even a phone charger, I was immediately sent across the street to the hospital, calling James to leave work, and my mom to leave home (over an hour away).
James’ version of this story is anxiety driven with a bit of comic relief. He got my phone call in one of his classes (a sneaky student recorded this), the classroom went quiet, and as he was leaving, kids ran up and down the hall with: “Mr. Thibodeau’s having the baby!” He exited the school to their applause. I love it, and to this day we laugh about what a movie scene this would make!
Back to me – I checked myself into the hospital, under the naïve and innocent impression that maybe after more monitor readings and an ultrasound we would be sent home. My labor and delivery nurse looked at me funny when I didn’t seem to understand the concept, questioning the hospital gown, and the fact that it was happening today: “The Doctor admitted you...you’re having this baby now.”
I quickly came to reality.
The next few hours were very disheartening and scary, as all my hopes for my birth were getting thrown at the window and we realized the gravity of the situation. Both James and my mom made it to me in record time, and all I could think was: “This isn’t how it was supposed to happen.”
After an ultrasound, my doctor came in to tell me that the baby looked small for size...5th percentile, and that there was probably something wrong with her cord. My monitor was continuing to read a few very concerning slows.
1 pm: They tried to break my water, but I hadn't dilated past 1.5 cm. I can only describe that as incredibly uncomfortable, but not exactly painful. So, they started me on what they called a “whiff” of pitocin, hoping the low dose would start contractions and maybe then I’d dilate enough to break my water and continue mostly on my own steam. At this point, I was beginning to come down from the initial shock and hyperventilate. I’m shaky and on edge whenever in the hospital, I think they call this "white coat syndrome" (?).
The low dose of pitocin made me start to cramp...the cramps that I remember from miscarrying our first baby. Losing her was very present in my mind through L's labor, and we definitely asked for her intercession for her sister. James hugged me as I cried, telling us E would be okay, and Charlotte (our angel baby) would watch over us. We prayed our beloved Divine Mercy Chaplet.
After a few hours, my doctor came back in and successfully broke my water and upped my pitocin. That’s when the REAL contractions started.
5-6 pm: I started trying to cope with labor. I tried joking with my mom and James about how all my plans had changed. I couldn’t labor at home as I wanted, I couldn’t watch the Alan Rickman Sense and Sensibility (possibly one of my favorite movies of all time) in early labor, I couldn’t walk around. I was continuously monitored, and the hospital monitor kept having issues: limiting my mobility. I didn’t feel present or excited for my baby, just frustrated and scared. I was around 2.5-3 cm. In retrospect, I know the hospital was just trying to ensure the baby was safe and her heart rate wasn't dropping, but I couldn't help my frustration with staying in bed.
Limited mobility was so difficult, but E's cord was not taking movement well. I tried to get on the ball, which was the best way I felt I could handle pain. James applied back pressure and I moaned through contractions about 2.5 minutes apart. E's heart rate kept dipping on the ball, and the nurses told me to get back on the bed, as she wasn’t tolerating the ball. Up with that pitocin.
7-8pm: Somewhere in there everything went from 0-100. All of the sudden, I was in incredible pain. Contractions on top of each other, both my mom and hubby straining everything to apply pressure or let me squeeze hands while roaring through each one. I was so upset with myself, holding onto the hospital bed for dear life that this was how I was coping with unmedicated labor...less than halfway to the finish line. I tried all the things I had read online or from experienced moms: using gravity by kneeling against the back of the bed, holding onto hubby, peanut ball, low moans. Each position was more painful, and all I could do was lie fetal position and wail. I started saying things like: “I don’t know if I can do this.” “I’m not getting a break.” Sounds like transition, right? Probably because it was, or at least very near.
The angel of a nurse that came at shift change noticed how I was (or wasn't) coping and assured me I was doing so well. “Your baby is so low, that pain is all the pressure and pitocin.” She also noticed I wasn’t getting any breaks and turned my drip down to regain myself a bit. Somewhere in there I finally decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I caved to getting the epidural (which in retrospect really calmed me in the end., no shame in doing what your body needs to do). My mom and hubby talked to me and held me still as the anesthesiologist placed it before I even realized it. Things calmed down, and I felt myself again...yet disappointed in how I had handled everything. I think I apologized to the nurses multiple times... classic melancholic tendency.
8:30: That angel nurse came in and said: “we weren’t supposed to check you til 10pm, but I think you might be farther along.” Checks: “I’m getting a second opinion...but I think you’re almost complete: 9.5 cm.” I was completely in shock, absolutely amazed at how I progressed so fast...that I survived transition on pitocin without any meds, that I was about to meet my baby! I was so proud of our little team.
From there, I laid with the peanut ball, hoping to have a few moments of quiet with James before we got to meet our baby – this was not going to happen. Hospital staff was in an out and making small talk with us...when all I wanted was to mentally prepare and rest for pushing.
9:30ish: The nurses checked me and okayed me to begin pushing. In the beginning, I had no clue what I was doing, and felt like my pushes were a huge waste. Nobody knows how to push a baby out the first time! At this point we invited my mom back into the room to help with support, something I'm so glad I did. In preparing for our delivery, I had intended my mom to only be there after baby had arrived, but we are so thankful she witnessed the majority of E's birth. We all were bonded in a very new way, and I cherish knowing she saw her grand-daughter enter the world.
10pm: Pushing became more productive and my support team was amazing. I was able to close my eyes between pushes and relax. She started crowning and the nurses put a call into my OB. I felt all the pressure at this point and started getting a little anxious with each contraction. I remember feeling very frustrated that they wanted me to wait to push the baby out until my doctor arrived; however, I'm sure they were nervous about E's condition and wanted the professional near-by. Soon after, my doctor showed up, and within ten minutes she was here at 10:34 pm!
I was completely in shock from the whole experience and didn’t cry as I thought I would (James cried). I remember E crying coming out and being put immediately on my chest, where she stopped immediately. That moment was a Godsend in convicting me that this truly was my vocation, and my heart was overwhelmed by this new little love. She knew me as mama, and she felt safe as soon she was placed in my arms. There's nothing in the world that could compare to that instantaneous miracle of motherhood.
As to her health and the reason for her induction: turns out her umbilical cord was one of the shoddiest cords ever. Certain movements or positions were probably pinching it, and causing her distress-- giving good cause for the induction, and we have every reason to praise God for her safe arrival! Revelations like these help me to see that God's ways are not always our ways, and that humility and following His will proves to always be fruitful.
My physical recovery was surprisingly easy, however, my wounds from birth were more emotionally challenging to overcome. I struggled for awhile processing the scare of possibly losing her, and I battled with not getting the birthing experience I had planned. "I should have taken the interventions and pain in better stride. I wish I would have been able to pray through an easier and more natural labor and mentally prepare to meet my baby with my husband."
I wish I would have been gentler with myself, because being a first time mom is so hard. I thoroughly regret the pressure I put on myself to birth in a certain way, because every birth is a truly astounding work and gift to join in Christ's suffering.
When I tell my story to other moms or share in their desires to someday have that unmedicated birth and natural labor (what do you think, Baby L?), I'm always very cautious to emphasize that birth is never fully in our hands, and every story has a beautifully strong and wonderful heroine. Your story with your baby is written by a marvelous God. Here you are, Mama, you have come to do His will. He will carry you through all decisions and all challenges, heal all wounds, and give you the strength to do it all over again.
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I hope you enjoyed this story. I'm a birth story junkie, myself, and love hearing others' testimonies.
Please, keep us and Baby L in your prayers as we journey ever closer to the finish line. I'm so excited to see in what way he enters the world, and to continue to see how this child blesses our lives!-
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