Strong and of Good Courage

I’ve been following along with Fr. Mike Schmidt’s “Bible in a Year Podcast” at my own pace since January. I turn it on while I work about the house. I listen while running errands or while exercising. I sometimes push play when anxiety is creeping into our busy life.

I was driving to a friends’ home and listening in the few minutes of alone time I have had since seeing those 2 pale pink lines on the pregnancy test Easter Monday morning. The words hit me like a strong and firm hand on my shoulder and I crumbled into those first trimester hormones.

The truth of the matter is: we weren’t sure we would be able to get pregnant again for maybe a very long time. We were terrified of infertility, terrified of getting pregnant with the move, terrified of getting pregnant in grad school, terrified of not getting pregnant in grad school.

With all the hustle and bustle of acceptance letters, celebrating, and planning the move, there hasn’t been much time to grapple with the newness of this gift. Now it is staring us in the face, as beautiful and beloved and cherished as this baby is and will be: there’s so much happening in our life and at warp speed.

Here we are: expecting baby number 2 (3 with our heaven-side little joy, Charlotte) moving across the country with a toddler, living with family, no full time work, and a history of something a tad short of hyperemis gravidarum.

A history of loss to top this off with a dash of hormone treatments postpartum add to the worry. Miscarriage and first trimester anxiety lurk behind our excitement, but show through in the repeat testing of that first week. A stronger line each day to keep the fears at bay, right?

I was shuffling between joy and fear of impending doom for the first few days, telling close friends, asking for prayers, attempting to boost my excitement by seeing it in others. I sat on our couch and cried, wondering why God had put this desire for another on our hearts, why on earth He had granted it, and how in the world I was going to be up for the task.

I texted friends about baby names, baby clothes, beginning symptoms and looked for outside affirmation. I looked at maternity wardrobes and almost confirmed sales, but held back out of fear of “not needing them”. I begged James to help me announce publicly as soon as possible to share the news and ask for prayers – that way if we lost our baby, we wouldn’t feel so isolated and alone.

What I really needed was for someone to sit with me and say: “It’s okay to be grateful and scared.”

Through the Word of God proclaimed through the mouth of Fr. Mike, I received what I needed from the book of Joshua (hey, that’s a great baby name!).

Be Strong and of Good Courage. (Joshua 1:9).

I’ve often struggled with the ideas of both strength and courage. I’m by no means a risk taker, I like plans, I like control. Every adventure of our married life has been a form of risk that I felt more or less was very calculated.

The gift of children is perhaps the greatest risk of all – to the body and the soul. Losing children, loving them, longing for them has been a daily cross we’ve born in our few years of marriage. Our generation tends to downplay motherhood as the least ambitious or adventurous vocation; but it truly is a daily practice in good courage and persistent faith.

There’s a quiet comfort in understanding that Christ has known this child and has foreseen every outcome. When my anxieties are multiplied, He’s calculated the many good things this little soul will bring to His world. He’s seen every struggle our family will tackle and deemed us up to welcoming another child. He’s willed this soul to be given to us for whatever amount of time he or she is needed. James and I are being chosen as worthy and capable of loving one more of His creatures. What a gift to be entrusted in this way, even in our weaknesses, especially in our poverty. To transform and stretch our hearts, our limits, our homes to love once more. For what else were we made?

So, again, here we are. Humbled, overjoyed, ecstatic and walking out in faith in a brand new way. Every day we entrust the safety of this brand new blessed soul into the hands of Mother Mary. Every time I begin to worry about our move, graduate school with a newborn, and the challenges ahead, I have to remind myself to look forward in great hope.

“Be Strong and of Good Courage” is all that we are advised, and there’s a confidence in that single command.

Welcome, Baby Thibodeau! You’re here to bless our lives in the chaos, and we cannot wait to meet you.

(If you have experienced loss, infertility, our anxiety in pregnancy, please, never hesitate to reach out. I share in the hope of connecting with others and their stories. I want to always be a safe harbor for my fellow mamas, and I hope this online space can be a resting place for worn and wearied mama hearts. Let’s be pillars of strength and kindness to each other in this vocation.)

*Not in partnership with Ascension Press, but would like to be. <3